Note well: This isn’t my working script with all the stage directions and so on in there, it’s just a transcription of the dialogue and sound effects in Trish Trash: Rollergirl of Mars volume 1, in the original English, as an aid to those readers of mine who can’t wait the few years it will probably take to have a English edition in print.
In other words, this won’t make any sense to you unless you have the book in front of you (which, in case you missed the news, is only currently available in French). So order now!
Personal note to those readers of mine who refuse to wait for the English edition to one day appear: I love you guys! YOU ARE THE BEST!
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Announcer: …here comes Betty Demonica…
Announcer: …nice block by Deb O’Station…
Announcer: …but NO! Demonica is unstoppable…
Announcer: This is an historic moment, ladies and gentlemen!
Announcer: In-credible! With five seconds to go…
JIJI: Holy crunk, did you see that block?
WAMI: DB is like the air—she passes thru
JIJI: grot that! she’s DUST!
Announcer: …Betty Demonica might just catch up with PDQ—again! If she laps her the third time…
Machine voice: Impediment detected.
Announcer: Un-be-lieve-able! Betty Demonica, the league high-scorer, has just scored 19 points in one jam!
Machine voice: Alert. Clear impediment.
Announcer: Her bout total is 76!
Machine voice: 1.5 meters. Warning.
Announcer: A more perfect bout could not be imagined…
Machine voice: 5 meters. Warning.
Trish: No! No! No no no no no!
SFX: beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep
UNDUL45: famous undul greatest hits reel on its way, girlios.
YONTAK: Is she human? I mean, 76 points??
TRIX: only reason to go to EArth.
UNDUL45: Earth? How about Boreale?
UNDUL45: she’s on Earth all starz at derby bowl M64!!
WAMI: Yah, Yontak’s right—heard on DerbyWire last night.
TRIX: BD on Mars! That’s historic!!
WAMI: You got as much chance to go to boreale as earth, Trixie.
UNDUL45: hahaha sad but true
THORSON: tu true. can u imagine Terror Novas getting in the Bowl?
JIJI: that u in line, Thorson? red radsuit w green stripe?
THORSON: yezzzz. weird, right, being on derbytalk when we’re all right here!!
Trish: Wait, what?
TRIX: where are you guys?
WAMI: yr not here? open tryout TNs.
Trish: Open tryout?
WAMI: well, open to 9 and up!
YONTAK: baby trix!
Trish: How did I not know this?
JIJI: U wouldn’t get in anyway. crowded.
TRIX: grot u guyz. thx for telling me!
Trish: “Baby.” I’m seven and a half.*
* years on mars TK
USER TRIX LOGGED OFF
Trish: Skate like a 9-year-old.
Trish: And I’m like 10 klicks from the grotted house.
Trish: I hate this dirtball planeeeeet!
Vidblast: …groundbreaking at the Arex Hydra deep-drill project at Ophir Valley…
Vidblast: Arex Marineris Area Chief Guston Renquist spoke to the crowd.
Vidblast: I’m afraid that in a matter of months, not years, you moisture farmers will need a new line of work…
Vidblast: Because you’ll all have riverfront property! [clapclapclap]
Dinan Gandentu of Terra Nova Ag College responded: It’s a pipe dream…
Vidblast: … it was an hour before dawn this morning when local moisture farmer Kiet Tham…
…spotted the Martians, apparently reconnoitering the area.
Tío Robo: The thresher?
Vidblast: Them creatures just walked right up to my thresher and looked at it—
Trish: That junk piece of hover-crap broke down in the back 40! The BACK of the back 40! This stupid dust-bowl planet is out to get me!
Tía Selima: Oh, not good. Roberto, did you hear?
Tío Robo: You gonna work on it after school?
Trish: I might be late. Intramural derby.
Vidblast: …and then disappeared! They move faster than anything I’ve ever seen.
Vidblast: Did they appear threatening?
Tía Selima: Trisha.
Trish: I gotta run. Big Marty history exam.
Vidblast: You got that right! And If you’re not looking right at ’em, they just fade into the rocks!
Tío Robo: Just spout off about the Martian Repatriation Proposal…Getty is a fanatic on that.
Trish: I know, she’s a nut.
Vidblast: Where’s Arex? They’re drilling for H-two-oh right down the way! Hell, where’s the UN when you actually need them?
Tía Selima: Hey!
Tío Robo: We don’t need that ignorant scare-mongering first thing in the morning.
Tía Selima: Ignorant? Maybe that farmer isn’t educated, but…
Trish: Gotta go.
SFX: beep-beep beep-beep
Trish: Marq. What’s up?
Marq: You missed the bus! We’re up at Francisco’s place!
Trish: I know. I saw you pass.
Marq: Why didn’t you call? You’re going to miss the exam!
Trish: Yeah, about that.
Marq: It’s one-third of our grade!
Trish: There’s an open tryout for the Novas today in town.
Marq: Urrgh. Don’t tell me…
Trish: I’ve got to go! This is my big chance!
Marq: Are you hitching, too?
Trish: How else am I going to get there in time?
Marq: You didn’t tell your tíos?
Trish: Are you kidding?
Trish: Are you heading into town?
Truck driver: Sure, kid.
Trish: Marq, I know I’m offending your delicate geekoid sensibilities, but some of us are destined to jam…
Trish: Look, can you just cover for me? Tell them we’ve got a broken thresher. Which is true.
Marq: No guarantees.
Trish: I know you can fake a note.
Marq: Yeah, yeah.
Trish: You’re my bestest friend.
Marq: I’m your only friend.
Trish: Yeah? Well same to you, buddy.
Marq: Call me later. Let me know what happens.
Truck driver: Skipping school, huh?
Truck driver: Who needs it? I left school at seven. All you gotta know is until we got the revolution, Arex owns your Duster ass.
Truck driver: All that haich-too-oh they promised my grandpa and the other first generation indents out here in Marineris?
Truck driver: It ain’t there. It don’t exist.
Truck driver: See those drills?
Truck driver: Those big drills are strictly for show.
Truck driver: If the Bugs don’t get us, we’re gonna to be out here in the dust sucking dew for the next fifty years and still die up on some Terra-forsaken asteroid mining colony.
And I know all the Marty history I need to do that.
Terror Nova Player: People! We aren’t going to get through everyone today. You’re welcome to wait…
Terror Nova Player: …but if you’re in the back half of the line, you’re probably going to have to come back at the next tryout!
Rochelle: Trish? What are you doing here?
Trish: Oh, I just…came in for some supplies…
Rochelle: Oh, right. Supplies.
Trish: Is that…? Oh my god, you got your handle!
Rochelle: Call me Rocky Starr.
Trish: But I’ve never seen you on the vidblast…
Trish: Oh, I didn’t mean, that’s…
Trish: How long you been skating for the Novas? What’s it like?
Rocky: I’ve been here since last Novembis.* It’s great, but…I sort of thought once I made the team, I’d be off the farm for good.
Trish: Don’t they pay you?
Rocky: A little. But the contract is a killer, and I’m still out on the thresher every morning.
*Months on Mars are doubled to account for the long year: November is followed by Novembis. December by Decembis.
Trish: Ugh, you too?
Rocky: Shouldn’t you be in school?
Rocky: You’ve got to be 9 to try out…
Trish: Come on, please? I’ll never tell how I got in! I swear! I’ll vote for you for Rookie of the Year!
Person in the stands: Look! There’s Hanna Barbarian!
Coach Crass: We’re ready for the next group here—group four, get lined up!
Coach Crass: OK, ladies, we’re going to run a couple of drills to see what you can do.
Coatch Crass: Get set!
Ruth Canal: GO FRESH MEAT!
Coach Crass: All right. I want numbers 53, 107, 12, 78, and…You there. You’re…?
Trish: Patricia Nupindju.
Coach Crass: Where’s your number?
Trish: Oh, uh…
Coach Crass: Never mind. Let’s keep moving.
Coach Crass: You five, line up. The rest of you, thanks for coming out…
Coach Crass: Girls, we’re going to run a few jams here. You’re novices, so don’t worry if you get your butts kicked by the Novas. Just do the best you can.
Coach Crass: 78, 107, and 12—blockers.
Coach Crass: 53, pivot.
Trish: You, Patricia? Jammer.
Trish: Hanna Barbarian!
Hanna Barbarian: Good luck.
Barbarian: You’re gonna need it.
Coach Crass: That’s the jam, ladies. Five to the visitors, four to the home team. Let’s line up…
Barbarian: No way, coach! That little duster scrapped my skate! That’s a foul!
Coach Crass: Hanna, come on. We’re all dust-up.
Barbarian: She did it! She knew she’d never win a jam against me without sabotage!
Coach Crass: Hanna…
Barbarian: I’m not jamming with trash like that. Thinks she’s tough, right?
Barbarian: You just skate your grotty little duster butt out of here. You’re not making this team…
Coach Crass: Hanna!
Trish: I didn’t mean…
Coach Crass: Now wait a second…
Trish: I can fix it! I can fix the skate! Here, just give it to me! I can…
Barbarian: I’m going to give you my skate. Right. How old are you, anyway?
Trish: I’m seven, OK? Seven! I snuck in! I just…But I can fix skates! Just give me a chance!
Barbarian: Seven? Coach, she’s wasting our time! She’s not even eligible…
Coach Crass: Give her your skate.
Coach Crass: Hanna. Quit screwing around.
Coach Cain: Come on now.
Trish: I didn’t mean to mess Hanna up! I went through the sonic shower and everything…I know I’m a duster, but…
Coach Cain: Don’t worry about her. Come sit here with me.
Coach Cain: What’s your name?
Trish: Patricia. Trish.
Coach Cain: Trish. I’m Assistant Coach Cain.
Trish: Are you going to report me or something?
Coach Cain: You’re good with mechanical stuff, huh, Trish?
Trish: Yeah, I can fix a thresher faster than my uncle.
Coach Cain: How would you like to be a skategirl?
Trish: You’re kidding. Really? You’d let me be skategirl?
Coach Cain: It’s not about “letting” you. It’s a big commitment.
Trish: I can do it, I can totally…
Coach Cain: You’d have to sign an intern contract.
Trish: An intern contract?
Coach Cain: For a year. You need to realy think about that. This is serious stuff.
Marq: You did what?
Trish: Signed as a skate girl!
Marq: No no, wait, you signed an intern contract?
Trish: Well, yeah!
Marq: Are you crazy? What the hell did my grandfather lose his arm for at Cerberus, if you’re going to go sign your life away in an intern contract?!
Trish: Calm down.
Marq: Calm down? They own you! You’re an indentured laborer!
Trish: This is nothing like what the indents rioted about. I want this job!
Marq: What’d your aunt and uncle say?
Marq: I can’t believe I covered for you today.
Trash: I can’t believe I thought you’d be happy for me!
Marq: I’ve gotta go.
Trish: Uh, Tío? Tía?
Trish: I’ve got something to tell you.
Announcer: Ooh! That had to hurt. Captain Fly is down with a dusted left skate!
Announcer: That’s Jeanne LeBeat coming up on Neeta Vicitm…
Announcer: But no, huge rear block by Ruth Canal!
Terror Nova player: Trish, I’ve got to…
Barbarian: Jesus, Patricia, can’t you work any faster? I jam next!
Trish: I’m going as fast as I can!
Terror Nova player (Nasty Cassie): Thanks, Tr…
Barbarian: Oh! Are these yours, Cass? We have the same size feet!
Trish: Can you believe her?
Rocky: Well, she’s captain. If you ever want to skate on this team…
Rocky: I haven’t put my skates on since I started this internship.
Rocky: I could have told you that. But at least you’re not supposed to be out there.
Announcer: Wow, what a crack-up! Looks like Cora Sair took out a barrier-generator!
Announcer: Aaaannd…lead jammer Swede Revenge has called the jam. Jam points 4 for the Pirates, 9 for the visitors…
Trish: Oh, man, I better get up there. I bet the Bombers never have to deal with this crap!
Rocky: Have you ever seen their stadium?
Trish: Only on the holo.
Rocky: If we make it to playoffs, you’ll see it for real. You are going to be amazed, it’s so…clean.
Trish: Not after we’re through with it!
Rocky: Are you kidding? We have to take like 8 sonics before they even let a bunch of dusters like us look at the thing.
Trish: We are going to make it to the Derby Bowl, aren’t we? I have to meet Betty Demonica…
Rocky: Playoffs? Highly unlikely. Winning playoffs, playing against the Terran All-Stars? Hah!
Trish: Well, I at least have to see her in person. I can attend the exhibition bout, right?
Hanna: Cassie’s skates are grotted! Where are mine?
Trish: I was just…
Hanna: Ah ha!
Trish: But those are mine!
Barbarian: Shiny. Nice.
Trish: But, you can’t!
Barbarian: You take better care of your own stuff than the team’s…That’s not cool, Duster.
Trish: I just haven’t had a chance to use them in…
Barbarian: Don’t you want us to win? Or are you a Pirates fan?
Announcer: Here comes Hanna Barbarian on some clean new skates, and she looks like she means business, folks! Let’s see what kind of damage she can do!
Tía Selima: How was the bout?
Trish: We won.
Tía Selima: You don’t look too happy about it.
Trish: Well, it seems that even though I’m the only one standing between Hanna Barbarian and the cold track, I didn’t have anything to do with it.
Tía Selima: Huh
Trish: I’m being treated like a slave, and I’m not even allowed to skate! I’m thinking about quitting.
Tía Selima: Huh.
Trish: OK, fine. You don’t care either?
Tía Selima: Let’s just say I care about as much as you care about your family, and this farm.
Tía Selima: Don’t fool yourself, sweetheart. You’re not getting out of that intern contract any more than the Cerberus miners got out of theirs in ’38. Arex is good at locking people into slave contracts.
Trish: But I’m only 7!
Tía Selima: Old enough to sign away your labor. Labor which Roberto needs, which we need, and you knew that.
Trish: I’m not meant to be a moisture farmer, I’m meant…
Tía Selima: To skate. Right.
Tía Selima; Maybe you’re not meant to eat, either. Have you noticed that this household is teetering on the brink? Did it occur to you that with your parents gone…
Trish: They’re coming back!
Tía Selima: …with Suri and Chuck missing, we are on our own out here? And mars is not a friendly climate for the loner.
Trish: That’s not fair!
Tía Selima: Sweetie. You are a Marty. Life hasn’t been fair to you since before you were born.
Trish: You! Come out! I’ll call Arex MarsGuard!
Martian: Water. Pliz. Water. Tk tk chik tzzzz.
Trish: Oh, crap!
Martian: Back off! I’m calling the Guards!
Martian: Help me, pliz.
Martian: Tkttkt ck ck tssck. I have no weapon.
Trish: I don’t care. Why should I care?
Trish: It’ll freeze out here.
Trish: What the hell am I doing?
Box: Trisha’s stuff. Hands off!
Vidcall started Marq.
Call ended – no answer.
Vidcall started Marq.
Call ended – no answer.
Vidcall started Marq.
Call ended – no answer.
Vidcall status Marq:
Tío Robo: Caray. Dusty. How many times…!
Trish: ohmygod…! What?!
Tío: Good morning.
Trish: Tío, I uh…
Trish: Harvest was a little light.
Tío: When isn’t it?
Trish: So, what are you doing today?
Tío: I was gonna work on the lung room.
Trish: Don’t you need to get out and…maybe get some air?
Tío: “Some air” is why I’m working on the lung room. Don’t you have practice?
Trish: Yeah. I’ve actually, I’ve got to go. Why don’t you and Tía Seli go out? Maybe there’s a good holo at the community center? You could meet me at the ’drome later.
Tío: Patricia. Have a nice day.
Trish: Ha ha, sure, you too!
Trish: Marq! Pick up, you…
Computer: VIDCALL STATUS MARQ: UNAVAILABLE
Trish (whispers): Come on man, you’ve lived for this day.
TXT STATUS MARQ: AVAILABLE
TRIX: Can you come over?
Trish: MachX: What, now?
TRIX: no…im @ prctice
MachX: …right. yr SLAVE cntrct. Sry. Moms needs me. Since I haven’t signed life away, cn help. L8r
Trish: You jerk!
Rocky: What now?
Trish: Uh, nothing. Just…stuff.
Rocky: Man, we’re short on people. I might even get to play.
Rocky: Maria’s got a TLA* on some big hydro project up-rift.
Trish: On-planet? Lucky.
*Temporary Labor Assignment
Rocky: If that’s what you want to call it. It’s short-term, anyway. Three weeks.
Trish: I bet they dock her team contract every minute.
Trish: Hey Rock, what do you think chances are that I’ll be able to get out of here a little early?
Rocky: Who do you think you are, a paid employee?
Player: C squad!
Rocky: That’s me, shorty. You’re on your own.
Coach Cain: Hit the track! Let’s scrimmage!
Player: Coach Cain, we’re missing Reds Onya! She’s out with a broken leg! We got no jammer!
Coach Cain; Fine. Trish, skate up! Let’s go! We gotta move here, people!
Coach Cain: You! Move it!
Trish: I can’t believe I lapped Hanna!
Rocky: Well, they killed us in the end.
Trish: Yeah, but you blocked her. You totally did. And I lapped her!
Rocky: Go C squad!
Trish: Aw come on, Rocky, that was…
Rocky: Didn’t you have to be somewhere? I thought you were in a hurry.
Trish: Ohmigod! Ohmigod! I gotta thumb a ride, I gotta get out of here!
Rocky: Let me drop you off. I just gotta pick up some valves at the Hydro-go.
Rocky: Can’t you put it on my mom’s account?
Turkey: Sorry, Rock, she’s maxed.
Rocky: OK, OK. How about some front row tickets to our next bout?
Turkey: You’re gonna play?
Rocky: I can’t work miracles.
Turkey: Ah, Rock, one of these days everyone will know your genius.
Rocky: Thanks, Turks.
Trish: Turkey’s right. You’ll get your chance to kick butt one of these…
Rocky: Shut up, Trish…
Rocky: getting late.